November 2011
1 post
We tend to prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty. We tend to prefer to live with lies to avoid the pain the truth brings. This solidarity is becoming the deadliest form of torture, I’m not sure how long ill be able to cope. They were the ones that I walked with hand in hand; we laughed, we cried, we traded our deepest secrets, we made childish future plans. I learnt...
October 2011
1 post
With every cough, it’s as if the sins of past are coming to haunt me. With every smile, the lie manifests as the mask sinks deeper. With every inhale, I wonder how long the body is going to hold up with every form of self destruction.
I’m so scared that I am getting ahead of myself again. Days with you, despite the gloomy weather, the draining paperwork, my laughs have not been this...
September 2011
1 post
Her tears fall night and morning and she cannot draw pleasure from anything in heaven or on earth. Tormented by haunting voices from her past, she is overcome by weariness and yearns for death. With each sunrise, sunset, she feels the insanity creeping to the edge. Her state of mind is venturing into a whirlpool of chaos, as her face remains expressionless, attempting to repress the millions of...
August 2011
2 posts
I dont know which one’s more difficult, admitting to weakness or overcoming it.
My body knows the drill by now on nights of such, yet my mind enters frenzy no matter how much of a routine it has become. The most daunting loneliness strikes, dissatisfaction engulfs all conscience; momentary relief throws the thoughts into spiralling chaos, as regrets and self accusation follows. Surrender...
Remember the summer day we laid underneath that tall, leafy tree? We confided in our deepest secrets, exchanged our childish dreams, promised that we would never change. Back then, we were innocent, we were beautiful, untouched, untainted by the repugnant truths of the world. Years went by and everything we hoped not to happen happened. We met those people, we did those things, we changed...
July 2011
2 posts
The greatest irony of love; loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. And sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that...
Waking up to another morning breathing your name, I wondered what it would be like if we never crossed paths.
Sometimes I wish I never asked for your name. The name that I repeated chanted night after night, the name that I cried over as a nightly lullaby. Sometimes I wish we never spoke. Of my past, my present, and my endless childish dreams. Sometimes I wish I never heard your voice. That...
June 2011
4 posts
I don’t understand why it’s hurting so much. I thought I had cut the string, believing that your unforgettable smile would no longer send my heart racing. There have been flashing moments that reminded me of how ecstatic you made me, yet every time those feelings have been intentionally suppressed to the back of my mind, as I solely believed that it was simply a matter of me naively...
“The human body’s reaction to love are pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate. These are the same responses that the body gives off when experiencing deep fear.” That is why I cannot say I love you, as the fear of falling for you is getting to me more.
Digging my nonexistent nails deep into the palm of my hands, I was struggling immensely trying to hold back...
I don’t want to live with hatred towards the world. I don’t want to love, not believing each moment as they pass. I don’t want to smile with bitterness at the back of my mind. Yet no matter how hard I try, there is no place to be free.
Neverending tunnel I walk, I can see nothing but abysmal darkness - there is no light on the other end. There is no where to stop, no corner to breathe, no exits...
I’m done. I’m tired of all the chasing. I’m over feeling out of control.
It is easy to become too comfortable living in self denial, faking a smile and saying everything’s fine. Behind closed doors, the mask sheds, the tears run, the scars appear. It is difficult to explain why bottling emotions is better off than letting them flourish; perhaps the lie is always better than the truth, as...
May 2011
1 post
See the lights, the party people stilettos heels on the dancefloor. I spot you, on the other side of the room half way we met, as we let the night take us flying.
The music was pumping, the lyrics, we were shouting; your body against mine, nothing has ever felt more right. Your hands around my waist, as we locked eye to eye.
Swaying to the beat we were in a world of our own your fingers...
April 2011
2 posts
The blustery winds are howling too early this autumn. Although neither of us expected it happening, the moment our eyes met, baby sparks flew. I heard the fireworks dancing, the chemistry burning, in a world where nothing existed but you and me. Forgetting all the tangles and knots, right there, right then, all I wanted was to be yours. I wanted nothing but my arms around your neck, yours around...
It’s frustrating how we never learn from the same mistakes. Even though on nights like this, it is perfectly clear that I am walking alone, it seems impossible to remove myself from denial and believe that people will be there caring along the way. Tears ran as I glued myself to the backseat of the car, not wanting to move again. I watched their faces in the reverse mirror, listened to their...
March 2011
4 posts
I seek refuge, to pursue comfort. As I run out of places to abscond to, sleep has become the last remedy.
I know I think too much and worry pointlessly, letting the smallest things get to me. Often I find myself digging my nonexistent nails deep into my skin, yelling to myself to make up my mind.
It breaks my heart hearing people telling me who I used to be, as they all merely assume that...
It does seem like a lot of things will be left behind if it all really ended. It facinates me how everyone will turn out. Where will they end up, living what sort of life, with who, in what way, success, glamour, happy or hell.
Often, loneliness strikes in the crowded spaces. The surrounding seems to be buzzing with energy and smiles, while one empty soul sinks deeper. It may be a one hell of a...
‘This is the worst, and things can only get better from now on.’
I always used to assure myself with naively thoughts. Those were moments that felt like rock bottom - if only we knew what was around the corner. As the ball kept rolling its way down hill, nobody could see the end. I did not even dare to think of the end, of all the pain and suffering along the way.
In recent years,...
Don’t you wonder why everything runs in a cirlce - from chilly dawns, to scorching noons, dying sunsets to starry nights; why some wake up to a brand new day, while others expect the same, if not worse.
I cringe at my weakness. I cringe at the stuggle every morning, to get out of bed, and have some faith in the day. I cringe at giving in to temporary comfot, to temporary relift, to...
February 2011
3 posts
Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
I promised myself I wouldn’t corner myself to an apology, simply because there is no right or wrong when it comes to love. Yet I feel sick to my stomach every time i think back to that night.
The crickets were screeching, the wind was howling, regardless of the...
There is a thousand reasons for this heartbreak - your apathy, carefree personality, indifference to the butterflies I bury.
Loving you is like a neverending roller-coaster ride. One that’s driving me sick to the stomach thinking how much time I’ve put into you. No other soul can understand.
Valentine’s dawn, I thought I would be okay. Yet the tears swelled in the rim of my eyes, my visions...
I gave in and let you put your arm around me. As I surrendered to exhaustion, my fingers were found gently wrapped around yours. It felt like the unity of two lost souls, yet I knew it was not. It was a delusion – I told you straight out. Don’t fall for me.
I know, I shouldn’t have kissed you. I know perfectly that I am in no condition to love anyone but.
If anyone understand unrequited love,...
January 2011
1 post
I believe this is the first time I’m talking about this publicly. Apologies for beginning the year with this post.
Death.
It’s a subject that haunts every one of us. Almost every one of us.
It does not scare me, yet I found myself stepping back onto the pedestrian path as a car blindly turns its way around the corner, missing me by a few inches. If it didn’t scare me, why did I...
December 2010
2 posts
As little kids, curiosity was our favourite companion. It led us to fascinating things, undiscovered places; the world was nothing but fulfilled with wonder and magnificence. Our little minds constantly questioned what was behind that ‘door’, what was going on in her ‘mind’, what was for dinner - everything was a mystery. As years pass by, we started to see glimpses of...
The glass shattered into pieces on the cold concrete floor as if it was speaking for my heart after sitting through another night of rom coms thinking of nothing but you. These nights, I sit by the window side, wondering things to say the next time we meet. Perhaps I should ask how she is, though my conscious tells me that I would only hurt more knowing. Perhaps I should tell you everything, but...
November 2010
3 posts
There’s the door, would you care to leave? Is that a No, fine you stay, I leave.
Perhaps, we should stop wondering why it is so difficult for us to coexist under the same roof. What brings out the worst in each of us whenever we try to have a normal conversation.
It hit me last night during the hours of dawn. After your high-pitched screams and unloving glares, I decided that I have had...
I thought perhaps if I let my grip loose it will be easier. I thought I would finally have a moment to breath, to feel no weight on my shoulders. I thought I would be able to lock you away, though I should have known that you are not like the others.
You always manage to turn a good day into bad, a bad day into worse, a worst day into hell. Flipping through pages of diary entries, more than...
Apologies for the slack wordings. Sometimes real thoughts aren’t as beautiful and poetic as they sound.
As the automatic doors glided open, a wave of warm late spring air glittered, hinting the soon to be arriving summer. Past years, expectations hung high as I pined for the sandy beaches and denim cutoffs. It would be an understatement to say that everything is different this time...
October 2010
6 posts
Perhaps the world is made to be a chaos filled with lies. Perhaps uncovering truths isn’t the best way to go.
It feels like a morning after the wildest storm. The leaves rustle as gentle breezes pass by. The air is fresher than ever, almost makes one’s nose tingle. Yet, something feels different, out of place. Something sinister, was left behind.
This seed, it’s like no...
I don't miss you. In fact, I am quite enjoying...
I dedicate this to my dearest girls.
People’ll always talk, it’s human nature. Burying our heads in a book, wearing that hardly-long-enough dress, new experiences, immature ways, the world never stops judging. Yet it’s up to us to put all that behind us, and walk our own ways, do our own things. Let the girls call us sluts, let the guys call us tryhard, what difference is it...
It’s hard to believe in love again after those words.
He has a girlfriend, and he’s willing to do anything for her. Yes, that’s how in love he is, with her.
He, the one who I met during the age of innocence, the one whom I fell in love with as the realization hit one Sunday morning, the one who I cried over for hours and days when headphones were my best friend, the one whose eyes I can no...
Sorry for my prolonged absences. Please bear with...
Toy shops don’t mean to me as I never grew too fond of toys during childhood. I didn’t grow up in a single-child family that welcomed new barbie dolls or electronic games. The closest I ever got was an one-thousand piece puzzle.
As times passed, i couldn’t rest my head on your shoulders anymore without it meaning something more, toys became something more than a show-and-tell object.
Do...
September 2010
10 posts
I dread mornings like this.
Frames resting on the tip of my nose as coffee vapours continues to blur the vision. Two hours of yoga, yet I still find myself struggling to make sense of the chaos in my head.
Radio sings, awakens the semi-conscious mind. Ipod lies at the side of the pillow, battery bar flashing red. Loathe - the perfectionist speaks; guilt - the girl answers. Apologies used to be...
There's no need to find an explanation for...
Drop those eyelids, rest those lashes, shut everything away my friend. Life is too contradicting to be observed by the naked eye. When the truth hurt too much, we hide, we escape. we settle into denial. No, you’re not useless. You’re not the only one. It’s just human nature.
However, let me question, is this all you are? Think of your talent, potential, intuition - such desirable attributes are...
Aimed too high. Laughed too real. Dreamt too perfect.
Coming to the realisation that I am absolutely incapable of accepting ugly things, I believe I have found the lethal aspect of my brain mechanism. It is way too difficult to live with the set of values and views that I possess. The judging voice critiques twentyfourseven, as it comes alive especially in front of a mirror. Sometimes, I...
On jail terms.
I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees And misty memories of days gone by We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow.
***
The clock has been ticking, yet I swear time has not been passing. Being thrown into a black hole, I didn’t reject much; yet the emptiness this time around, is stronger, deeper, more haunting than ever. Pulling bedsheets,...
Discrepancy.
The lingering pain has yet again extended its stay as I woke up another morning, realising that it’s all real. Trust this is not another piece of cyber communication or blame game, both of which I believe have been becoming more hurtful, heartbreaking as this silent dispute progresses. Nothing has been achieved, other than the growing distance of two hearts. I admit for being stubborn, not...
We let people in, to see the darkest of our worlds. We make them promise, for their lips to be sealed.
People get tired, we part to our own ways, smiling or fighting regardless, the memories never fade.
laughs cease, tears wiped, we fall silently, secretly hoping to be found.
time keeps rolling, the world keeps spinning, that we can handle, we lose control, for people changing.
we stop, take...
Wild horses I wanna be like you, throwing caution...
I know we became those who we said we would never be. I know we have become the next victims, wrapped up in this world with the one-way door. Once you’re in, there’s hardly a way out. I know time has washed away our innocent souls, shed away our innocent faces. I’m sorry our changes are angering you. Yes I know that too, your burning eyes say it all.
Who came up with peace, harmony...
I wonder everyday, when the clouds are going to...
I keep saying sorry.
Apart from the fact that there is so much to be apologetic for, I seem to have those three words at the tip of my tongue as there is really not much other to say these days. I don’t understand why you would want me around, I won’t be able to make you laugh, or happy for that matter. I won’t be able to love you as I can’t seem to find my heart, let alone offering it to you....
Thank you for being who you are. You are beautiful...
We chase, we stop, wishing for nothing but we love, we dream, believing you’re there time washes away our innocent hearts, leave mere desolation, left with fractured souls.
I can see it in your eyes, the sheer desire burns brighter than the night sky; yet I struggle to fight back the tear, to the end of a fairytale that’ll never begin.
You know the right things to say, the...
August 2010
23 posts
Burning throat.
Choices are made. Ideas are given. I’m sorry, for getting all the ideas into your brains, creating chances for you to make choices.
I screwed up real bad this time.
I held my breath as I witness what was happening. I passed my gaze from you, to you, to you, even you. I must be hallucinating, I told myself. I shook my head frantically, as I realised my lips have not...
The cold concrete was replaced by wooden benches and muddy grounds. Everything else felt the same. A buzzing crowd, a lost soul, a shivering winter night.
My tolerance level of this is testing its limits. After going through the processes of recognition and acceptance, I am questioning myself of ‘what next?’ Am I ever going to find a place that will make me feel belong and...
Things I'll Never Say.
Keep running, don’t turn around. I am tired, stopping this chase.
I thought I was finally strong enough to lock you in my past. My closest friends knew perfectly that I was just going through yet another phase of denial. After the ones of, crushing, believing, hoping, loving, this is the phase of moving on. I was not willing to accept that this was just temporary, that the next time I...
No matter what circumstances you are under, don't...
Reminiscence. Reflection. Reincarnation.
I tried not letting it get to me this time.
Sober thoughts struggled to keep themselves in, as I bit my tongue hard to prevent another outpour of drunken monologue. It was getting to my head. Yes world, spin, spin, don’t ever stop. At that given moment, I was ready to hand my soul over. I admit to forfeiture, shining weakness in my eyes, hands up in the air.
I tensed all the muscles in...
Forever and always, I believe that one will only be loved if they love themlselves first. Today, however, I sit here with a new puzzle: does one deserve to be cherished if they don’t cherish themselves? Furthermore, do we deserve to be happy, if we can’t bring happiness to others?
Normally, I’m not a person to regret, though I must make an exception for this - for pouring all...
I don’t know what I want anymore.
As simple and cliche as that sounds, I have come to an conclusion that this ’unknown’ sensation has lasted too long, hence becoming a serious dilemma. It all started out that afternoon when doctor asked me what would make me happy. My instantaneous reaction thought this to be an easy question. However, I found myself three minutes later, sitting...