Things I’ll Never Say.

Keep running, don’t turn around. I am tired, stopping this chase.

I thought I was finally strong enough to lock you in my past. My closest friends knew perfectly that I was just going through yet another phase of denial. After the ones of, crushing, believing, hoping, loving, this is the phase of moving on. I was not willing to accept that this was just temporary, that the next time I hear your voice, I would still go weak at the knees and fluttering in the stomach. I was not willing to accept my weak emotional management when it came to you. “I am better than this, I am better than you.” I tried to inprint that in my head, I really tried.

You, whose name shall never be spoken again, manage to twist my thoughts with your blarney, leaving my heart hanging after almost every conversation. It’s ridiculous. Morning after morning, I try to promise myself that it would be the last time I walk down this street, thinking about you and masochisticly taking in the pain. Bullshit.

I hate myself for giving you second chances over and over.
I hate myself for believing your lies.
I hate myself for not being able to remove myself, pull myself away.
Most of all, I hate myself for not being able to hate you, despite everything you have put me through.

I loved you too much, and your hazel eyes will remind me every time.
As much as I want you my heaven, you will always be the darkest part of my hell.