I don’t understand why it’s hurting so much.

I thought I had cut the string, believing that your unforgettable smile would no longer send my heart racing. There have been flashing moments that reminded me of how ecstatic you made me, yet every time those feelings have been intentionally suppressed to the back of my mind, as I solely believed that it was simply a matter of me naively getting ahead of myself.

Yet on this chilly winter afternoon, the rain, the breeze, all negativities were all forgotten as I sat closely beside you. Our arms accidentally stroke past, as a wave of cold air immediately creeped up my spine. There it was, the sudden urge to hold you tight and never let go, as I used to believe that the world would be perfect for eternity when it consists of only you and me. A sense of security and self worthiness engulfed me as I allowed myself to momentarily fall for you again. Should I have not, as I realise this was all too difficult. I could abscond, but I cannot forget. I could focus on all the negatives and deny the return of this feeling, but the truth would always haunt me, crushing every pep talk I try to draft.

Perhaps, I have been lying to myself, to everyone, masking the reality with my promising determination to keep you out of my life. Undoubtedly, I would not get hurt this way, at least that’s what I hoped, yet as I felt my heart shattering after those worlds, I knew I was wrong. The thought of us not being on the same page is unceasingly stabbing into my heart, as I desperately pray to know the thoughts running through your mind. It might be stupidly optimistic, thinking that it’s something else that’s stopping you as I commit the usual exaggerate analysis of the situation. Yet, some things are starting to connect and leading me to see possible explanations of your latest changes. No matter how hard I try to ignore this all, there are too many unanswered questions, led by a dim hope that you might actually be feeling it all too.

If only you would let me in.
Because baby I want you, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t deny it.